Lawyer Krabs
by Ninstation X
Summary: Mr. Krabs sees a new form of profit in the lawsuit..er...lawyer business.
1. The woman who slipped at Dinner

-At the Krusty Krab-

/slip/

"Ow!" shouted a woman now on the floor. "Look at what happened because of this restaurant! I'm going to sue you all! Even the other customers!"

"M'am," said Spongebob, "there was a 'Wet Floor' sign where you walked."

"What if I'm blind? Huh!"

"Are you?"

"The point is that you also are discriminating against blind people."

"But I went to everyone, including you, and said not to walk in the wet spot."

"No, you didn't!" screamed the woman.

"Yes, he did," said the blind seacaptain. "I can't see, but I know the floor is wet..._somewhere_."

"I'm being verbally harassed now!" screamed the woman. "I'll make sure there's no money left in this business when I'm through with all of ya!"

Mr. Krabs busts in and slaps the woman. "How dare you say that about me money!"

"Now battery!" said the now woozy woman. "Sue Sue Sue," she said as she fainted.

"Wow, Mr. Krabs," said Spongebob. "What's gonna happen?"

"Well, if we cook her up, we won't need a meat shipment this month, and we'll get a bigger profit."

-The customers stared at Mr. Krabs-

"Fine," said Mr. Krabs. "Spongebob, just sweep her outside."

"But that's not polite," said Spongebob.

"Neither is me firing you on the spot. Now sweep!"

And so Spongebob swept the fainted woman outside to the street. Luckily it was rainy and cold that day...oh wait, that's not good.


	2. You've been sued!

-The Next Day-

A woman in a blanket, with a thermometer in her mouth, walked in the Krusty Krab. "I've come back, Krabs."

"I'll never let you get a refund!" screamed Mr. Krabs.

"No, I'm here about the lawsuit I filed against you."

"Oh...would you like to buy a Krabby Patty...on the house? Hehe," Mr. Krabs responded nervously.

"If it's on the house then it would be free," moaned Squidward.

"Shut up, Squidward," said Mr. Krabs.

The woman continued, "I came here, in person, to give you the court summons."

"Don't they normally mail these out?" asked Mr. Krabs. "Why come here to directly give it to me?"

"Because I am so distressed."

"What?"

"Your restaurant has ruined my life."

"What?"

"Ever since I slipped and fell in here, then was swept out into the cold, my whole world fell apart."

The customers watched while eating.

"This is a pretty good show," said one man.

"I don't know," said an old lady. "The woman's angst leaves much to be desired."

-In Court-

"So, you see, I deserve that crab's money," finished the woman.

"I rule in favor of the plaintiff," said the Judge. He banged his hammer. "2,000,000 shall be rewarded."

The woman gave her lawyer a high five.

Mr. Krabs fainted. He awoke in the Krusty Krab, where money was being taken out of his vault in wheel barrels. "No...NOOOOO!!!!"

"I can't believe she got that much money, Mr. Krabs," said Spongebob.

Mr. Krabs weeped.

Sandy walked in seeing money being wheeled out. "What's goin' on here?"

"Mr. Krabs was sued, and most of his money was taken away," explained Spongebob.

"We still better be getting paid for this week," moaned Squidward.

"Well tie my ears and call me Papi," said Sandy.

"What?" said Squidward.

"Lawyering is one of the most crooked professions back home," continued Sandy. "My slippery, son-of-a-gun cousin became a lawyer and actually told his clients to file lawsuits against people from everything to getting accidentally bumped into on the street to getting wrong directions to the grocery store from some random guy. He actually profits of off those sick lawsuits, too."

Mr. Krabs stopped weeping, "P-Profit?"

"Yeah!" said Sandy. "That polecat got wealthy off those crooked lawsuits. He's got a mansion full of money."

"Full of money!" repeated Mr. Krabs enthusiastically. "To Law School!"

-After Law school-

"Mr. Krabs just up and left us for months when he went to law school," cried Spongebob.

"I'm the boss now, Spongebob," said Squidward. "So go make some more Squiddy Patties for the customers."

"Aye aye, sir," Spongebob said gloomily.

A customer came to the ordering counter. "I'd like some french fries."

"You mean '**Ward** fries'," corrected Squidward.

"That's such a stupid name for fries. Get over yourself," the customer retorted.

"Keep up that attitude and you won't be allowed to attend my daily clarinet solo that I play for my adoring fans."

"The solo that makes all the customers leave?"

"Just take your FRENCH fries," Squidward growled and handed the fries to the customer.

Mr. Krabs busted through the front door in a black suit and a suitcase.

Spongebob ran to the front with glee. "Mr. Krabs, you're back and black!"

"Aye, I am, me boy," said Mr. Krabs.

Squidward sighed. "I shall now play one last piece now that the 'Crab Of No Musical Appreciation' has returned," Squidward announced to his supposed fans/customers.

The customers looked up. "Oh no! He's starting again. Run! Run!!!" The customers fled.

Mr. Krabs looked angry. "Is this how you've been managing the place while I was gone?"

"I'll have you know that my daily performances have brought in many new, cultured types of customers." Squidward pointed to the back table at a guy with black glasses and a hearing aid.

The man looked at Squidward. "Huh, did you say something? I always have to turn my hearing aid off when you're about to play."

Mr. Krabs coughed.

Squidward rolled his eyes. "I'm better than all of you."

"You keep telling yourself that, Squidward," said Mr. Krabs.

"Are you a lawyer now, Mr. Krabs?" asked Spongebob.

"Yep," answered Mr. Krabs, "and I'm on my way to money...er..I mean justice."


	3. Clients

"My baby!!" screamed a woman.

Her baby was sitting in the middle of the street while a car was rapidly approaching.

The woman ran to her baby.

Mr. Krabs stepped in her way. "What are you doin', woman?! Let it hit and we've got a big lawsuit on our hands."

The woman pushed Mr. Krabs out of her way and saved her baby in the nick of time.

"Darn," said Mr. Krabs, "I'll need to find a better client."

-Later at the Krusty Krab-

"Squidward, it's horrible," said Spongebob. "We don't have anymore patties!"

"So?" said the uncaring Squidward.

"So people won't get to taste delicious Krabby Patties today!" cried Spongebob.

"Shut up, Spongebob."

-Mr Krabs came in-

"Boys, I'm going to need some clients," said Mr. Krabs. "And I think you two would be perfect."

"Sure!" said Spongebob. "I love being a team player."

"No," said Squidward.

"But Squidward," said Mr. Krabs, "I need your artistic vision."

"Well, I_ am_ very artistic," Squidward said with a smile.

"Good then," said Mr. Krabs. "Our first lawsuit will be against..."

"Lawsuit?" said Spongebob. "We're going to sue someone?" he said in a sad voice.

"Spongebob, we're helping out the world," said Mr. Krabs. "Don't you like the world?"

"No," answered Squidward.

Mr. Krabs rolled his eyes. "The question was for Spongebob."

"As long as the world knows my disposition."


	4. You're helping to save the World

"Oh look, a penny!" said a sweet, old lady. "It must be my lucky day." She picked it up.

-Later in court-

"...which made me one penny short of affording milk for my several infants," claimed Squidina, who was actually Squidward with a wig on.

"Squidina gets a million in damages!" claimed the judge.

"Yay!" said Mr. Krabs.

"Boo!" said the sweet, old lady.

--

"AH, I'M HAVING A STROKE!" shouted a middle-aged woman.

-Later in court-

"...which disturbed my concentration, stopping me from thinking up my million-dollar-winning invention," claimed Sponia, who was really Spongebob in a wig. "So, really, this woman stopped me from becoming a millionaire and should be fined millions of dollars."

"You're right!" said the judge. "Plaintiff wins!"

-- At the Krusty Krab

"Hey, I ordered cheese on this!" said a customer. "I demand a refund."

-Later in court-

"No refunds, refills, or remakes," said Mr. Krabs.

"50 million awarded to Mr. Krabs," said the judge.

"How did I get sued for them getting my order wrong?" said the now confused customer.

"Make that 60 million for defendant insolence."

-- At the Krusty Krab

"Mr. Krabs, I don't feel good about suing people like this," Spongebob said with a sad face.

"Don't you remember, boy? We're helping the world, remember?" Mr. Krabs claimed.

"But how can taking people's money be helping the world?" cried Spongebob.

"You see, boy, people have a dreadful condition known as 'poor money management.' This condition causes waste of money and_ spending_," Mr. Krabs shuddered. "By us taking their money, we're solving their condition, and thus, helping them grow!"

"Is that how it is?" Spongebob said with a childlike glow in his eyes.

"Yes, suing people helps me get money and that's all that matters."

"But you said it was to help them and their conditions."

"I forget what I said but that doesn't matter because you're helping save the world, me boy."

"Okay!" Spongebob said enthusiastically.


	5. Fries of Confusion!

"I'll take an order of small fries," said the customer.

-Squidward handed her an order of small fries-

The customer went to her table, ate 3 fries, and came back to the register.

"What is this?!" she yelled. "I ordered small fries, yet the fries in my order were a variety of lengths! How can I eat fries that are all a different size? I was very confused and lost my appetite. I'm never coming to this restaurant again!" The woman walked to the door.

Mr. Krabs blocked the exit. "What do you think y'er doin'?!"

"Leaving," said the woman. "I don't like this restaurant and its fries of confusion!"

Mr. Krabs got out of the way and let the woman go by. Mr. Krabs walked up to Squidward with a coin purse.

Squidward asked, "Did you just steal…?"

Mr. Krabs changed the subject, "I'll have to do something about this 'leaving' thing."

--

"Yes, judge," said Mr. Krabs. "They come and go as they please. Like I don't matter at all. I demand food support!"

"Okay," said the Judge. "From this day forward, Bikini Bottom citizens will be required to spend at least 300 dollars a month in your restaurant."

"But fast food gives me high-cholesterol!" said a citizen.

"Think about this poor crab with a struggling business," said the Judge.

("This month, I'll finally reach the billion mark,") thought Mr. Krabs.


	6. My Cholesterol

"Everyone is fat now," said Squidward. "Or at least moreso."

"Excellent," Mr. Krabs said while counting his money. "You say something, Squidward?"

Mrs. Puff entered. "Just what I need, a court-ordered reason to be with Spongebob even more."

Spongebob ran up to Mrs. Puff. "Hi, Misses Puff! I'm so glad you get to be with me even more! My break is coming up soon, and I have so much I want to tell you!"

"You know, I think I'll do the smart thing and order 300 dollars worth of food right now and not come here the rest of the month."

"But, Mrs. Puff, we won't be able to see each other as much then." Spongebob teared up.

"Spongebob, it's not that, it's just..." Mrs. Puff ran up to Squidward. "I need 60 burgers, 25 sea cokes, and 100 packets of mustard, NOW!"

Squidward rung up the order. "Your total is 346 dollars and 65 cents."

"Mrs. Puff!" Spongebob called, "you'll never guess what happened in the 4 seconds you dashed away from me, I..."

Mrs. Puff got out her purse and fumbled through it. She handed Squidward 500 dollars and said "Forget the food. As long as I'm free from coming here the rest of the month!" Mrs. Puff ran out of the Krusty Krab yelling "Freeeee!!"

Spongebob walked up to Squidward. "Mrs. Puff must be having a bad day."

"As usual for those associated with you," said Squidward.

"This is ridiculous!" said one of the customers who couldn't get up from his seat. "I'm too bloated to move. 1 month ago, I was on the track team. Now I'm in weight watchers! This is your fault, Crab!"

"Yeah!" said another customer. "I wanted to live past 40. Now I'm lucky if I can live past tomorrow with all this greasy food attacking my heart!"

"You don't have to eat the food," said Squidward. "You only need to spend at least 300 dollars here."

"But we paid for it!" yelled the customer. "That means we _have_ to eat it."

Squidward rolled his eyes.

-- 3 months later

"Heart attacks have increased, sir," said Squidward.

Mr. Krabs didn't seem to care and was counting his money.

"Look, Mr. Krabs, the whole neighborhood is going to be obese and dead if you don't get rid of this court order. Don't you have enough money?"

Mr. Krabs grabbed Squidward by the throat. "Enough...money?! You can never have enough money!"

"Okay! Okay!" yelled Squidward, whose face was turning bluer by the second.

Mr. Krabs let Squidward go. "There's no problem with the way I'm running my business. I've brought together somewhat of a family with this lawsuit."

-In the Krusty Krab eating area-

"These Krabby Patties are great," said Plankton, eating a Krabby patty at a table. He tried to run out of the restaurant with it, but Spongebob stopped him.

"You know the rules, Plankton." Spongebob picked up the patty and plankton and put them back on the table. "_You_ have to eat your meal completely in the restaurant."

"Yeah yeah," said Plankton, still frustrated at forking out 300 dollars a month for Krabby Patties but never successfully stealing one.

"Spongebob," called Sandy from another table, "how much longer am I gonna have ta' eat here? This food ain't what I need to refuel my adrenaline."

"Sorry, Sandy," said Spongebob, "but a court order is a court order. You want a lardshake, on the house?"

Mr. Krabs dashed out. "WHO SAID _ON THE HOUSE_!"

"Spongebob did," Sandy retorted, "but that's not important. I have to spend my money here and I don't even want to eat here!"

"So what are ye gonna do?" Mr. Krabs teased. "What can you do? Hahaha."

"SUE YOU!" said Sandy.

"Huh?" Mr. Krabs said startled.

"ME TOO!" said Plankton.

"Yeah, I will too," said another customer.

Soon, talk of suing echoed throughout the Krusty Krab.

"Let's make a class action lawsuit!" Plankton declared.

"YEAH!!" said everyone as they departed from the Krusty Krab.

"Uh oh," said Mr. Krabs.

"Hey," said Patrick, still sitting at a table. "Can I get another hundred Krabby Patties over here? With extra grease this time."

Spongebob looked at Patrick. "Haven't you spent over a thousand dollars in here only in this week? I'm worried about you and your stomach."

"Quiet, Spongebob!" said Mr. Krabs. "Just get to the grill and make those patties!"

"Yes, sir," said Spongebob, returning to the back.

Squidward stared at Patrick. "Where are you getting all this money?"

"My parents saved up this eating fund for me," said Patrick. "They called it 'tuition.' Funny name for it, huh?"

"Huh," said Squidward apathetically.


	7. The Brief Calm Before the Storm

"This just in!" said the reporter. "It appears Eugene H. Krabs is being taken to court by a portly mob."

-- Approaching the Court House

"Mr. Krabs, how do you plead to this case?" said the reporter.

"I'm just trying to run an honest business," said Mr. Krabs, sniffling. "Either way, money will prevail!"

"Don't you mean justice?"

"That too, I guess..."

--

"Mr. Squarepants, where do you stand on this issue? With Mr. Krabs or the portly mob?"

"Mr. Krabs said if I answered wrong, I would lose my job, so with Mr. Krabs!"

--

"Mr. Snotty Tentacles, is the portly mob or Mr. Krabs the one you side with?"

"I really don't even care," said Squidward.

"But what if Mr. Krabs gets fined to the poor house, on top of getting years in prison?"

"Then my dreams will have finally come true."


	8. The Big Court Case: Part 1

"Eugene Krabs, you have been accused of treason!" yelled the Judge.

"Only if treason is defined as having a quality food establishment," said Mr. Krabs.

"An interesting take on the definition of treason, but still, there is a court full of overweight, unhealthy citizens blaming you for their condition."

"They don't know what they're talking about! Krusty Krab foods are made with health and nutrition in mind."

Sitting in the jury area, Spongebob recalled the time he glanced at the Krabby Patty recipe. He could have sworn he saw '2 tablespoons of jellyfish droppings,' but it must have been a mistake.

"I disagree," said Karen, Plankton's computer wife. She was wheeled in. "I will be the opposition to lock this crab up."

"Yay!" said Plankton, sitting in the audience seats.

"Love you, sweetie, even though you're a loser."

"Judge," said Mr. Krabs, "this is a computer! How can such a thing try to go against me? It should stick to calculating finances."

Karen's screen turned red in anger. She had to reboot. "You listen here, crustacean! I'm here to put you out of business so I don't have to keep listening to Plankton's failures."

"Unfortunately, I'm up to 503," Plankton said silently.

The Judge screamed "Order! No matter what the motive, if Mr. Krabs is proved to be a con-man and his restaurant's food is proved to be unhealthy, Mr. Krabs will be locked away for a long time."

"I will be my own defense," said Mr. Krabs. "My witnesses will also show you all that I am a loving man who does no wrong."

"The lies have started early," mumbled Squidward from the audience.

The Judge banged his mallet. "This trial shall now begin."

"Eugene Krabs," Karen started, "what nutritional benefits do customers receive from eating your food?"

"A satisfied stomach," said Mr. Krabs.

"Focus on vitamins and minerals attained from eating at your establishment."

"Oh, why yes. A small order of fries contains.."

"CONFUSION!" yelled a woman entering the courtroom.

"What the..." said Mr. Krabs.

"Yes," said Karen, "this bring us to my first witness...confused about fries girl."

1st witness -- Confused About Fries Girl

"Tell us what happened at that horrible eating establishment," said Karen.

Fries girl took the stand. "I'll tell you what happened! I ordered SMALL fries, but nothing could have prepared me for what happened afterward. ...I got fries -sniffle-...IN ALL DIFFERENT SIZES!"

"Huh?" said Mr. Krabs.

"I get distressed just thinking about it," said fries girl. "My large-sized father neglected me, and my medium-sized older brother always picked on me. Small was the only size I could handle! -sniffle- -sob- You're a liar, Krabs! Your business is full of lies! Why didn't I get what I asked for?!"

"You did. 'Small' refers to quantity, not quality of the fries. Squidward, why didn't you tell her that before?"

"I didn't care," said Squidward.

"HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW!?" screamed fries girl. "You could have not given me fries that were intimidating to me."

"How would I have even known that?!"

"You could have took the time to learn about me before I order something from your restaurant! -sob- You're just like my father!"

The Judge was annoyed. "Listen, lady, I'm going to get you some court-ordered therapy. Witness dismissed."

Fries girl was hauled off the stand while yelling "Confusion!"

"Erh, yes," said Karen. "My witness has proved Krabs does not take the time to cherish his customers and their many problems."

"No," said the Judge. "That was just a bad witness. Move on to the next evidence."

To Be Continued.


	9. The Big Court Case: Part 2

"My exact words were 'IT'S EATING MY FACE!' and the manager said, 'You're still not getting a refund.'"

"Mr. Krabs," said the Judge, "what do you say to this testimonial from one of your customers?"

"The meat was still edible!" said Mr. Krabs.

That was the day when the meat factory got behind on their orders. The meat factory forgot to slaughter the meat and shipped live seahorses to the Krusty Krab due to their rush to make the shipment on time. When the shipment got there, Mr. Krabs said "Put a bun and some ketchup on them. No need to lose money over some tough meat." Too bad the seahorses weren't submissive enough to just accept being eaten whole.

("I didn't make any money that day,") Mr. Krabs thought in regret. "Judge, our motto at the Krusty Krab is 'The Krusty Krab must go on!'"

("No it's not,") thought Squidward. ("It's 'Money first, no need for a second part.'")

"My face is half-eaten," said the witness. "Doesn't anyone find something wrong with that?"

Mr. Krabs took a deep breath. "O-Okay. You can have your..refund." Mr. Krabs had tears in his eyes, as it obviously took a great deal of willpower to make that statement.

"Money is the least of my concerns right now!"

Mr. Krabs perked up. "Good, no refund."

"My witness can exit the stand now," said Karen. "His testimonial has proved the wickedness of the crab."

The witness left stand.

"That doesn't prove anything!" shouted Mr. Krabs.

"But it does," said Karen.

"It really does," said the Judge.

"Just wait until I get my witnesses to vouch for me!" Mr. Krabs retorted.

"You can't have that many," said Squidward.

"Shut up, Squidward. I call to the stand, my first witness, my dear mother."

Mrs. Krabs came through the court doors. "Eugene, how have you been doing?" She took the seat of the witness stand.

"Now, Mother, tell everyone how I care so much about making people happy through my restaurant."

"Eugene, why didn't you visit me on Money's Day?" Mrs. Krabs said in a stern tone.

"I got caught up."

"What is Money's Day?" asked the Judge.

Mrs. Krabs replied with a maddened look, "It's the replacement for Mother's Day."

The judge frowned at Mr. Krabs, but Mr. Krabs was too busy counting his money to notice.

Mrs. Krabs went on. "Eugene said it would be better if he spent his money on his money so he could retain a profit, instead of buying me 'trivial' things like cards or showing affection."

"Affection isn't cheap, Mother," Mr. Krabs said, tucking his counted dollars back into his pocket.

"I can't believe I have such a greedy scallywag of a son."

Karen snickered. "This is your support? Hahaha, you seem as competent as Sheldon."

Plankton laughed and cried at the same time.

"Hey!" yelled Mr. Krabs. "Don't compare me to your loser husband! Mother, it's time for you to leave!"

"Don't raise your voice to me, Eugene!" yelled Mrs. Krabs, getting out a belt.

Mr. Krabs squealed. "Hurry, bring out the next witness."

The guards hauled off Mrs. Krabs in order to bring in the next witness.

"You're definitely not getting my inheritance now!" said Mrs. Krabs, being hauled out of the court.

"Huh?" said Mr. Krabs. "Spongebob, remind me to get my mother something nice later."

"You're so kind to think of your mother," said Spongebob.

"Money?"

"Are you done yet?" asked the Judge. "You're doing badly."

"I've got another witness up my sleeve," said Mr. Krabs.

"Let me get another one in," said Karen. "I call to the stand Gary the Snail!"

Gary slithered onto the witness stand. "Meow."

"Gasp!" said an audience member.

"All he said was meow," said Squidward.

"Mr. Snail," said Karen, "explain to the court why this crab should be locked up."

"Meow Meow," said Gary. (Translated: "I awoke one night to the sound of 'I'm ready!' My caretaker, Spongebob, was diligently getting ready for work…at 3am.")

"What for?" asked the Judge.

"Meow." (Translated: "In order to make up his lost time.")

"He's that bad of an employee?"

"Meow Meooow." (Translated: "Not at all. The previous day, he arrived to work exactly 30 seconds late.")

("I had to stop to tie my shoe,") Spongebob thought sadly.

"Meowrrr." (Translated: "The crab confronted Spongebob and told him every second late to work is like a full day missed when it comes to unattended customers.")

"Though the customers didn't arrive yet," said Squidward.

"I told you to shut up, Squidward!" yelled Mr. Krabs.

"Meow Meow." (Translated: "And since that day, Spongebob has been arriving to work ridiculously early to make up for his 'missed' days, while that horrible crab happily profits from it.")

"Mr. Krabs!" yelled the Judge. "Did you really let your employee work such extra hours?!"

"He likes it," said Mr. Krabs.

-Thud- Spongebob pulled his head back up. "Sorry, I fell asleep."

"Meoooow." (Translated: "That's the result of continuously waking up at 3am to rush to work.")

Gary exited the stand.

The Judge examined Spongebob. "Now that I look at him, the boy has tremendous bags under his eyes."

"But I'm fine!" said Spongebob, pausing to inhale an energy drink. "I love working at the Krusty Krab!" Spongebob suddenly stopped moving.

"Call the hospital!" yelled the Judge.

"NO!!" screamed Spongebob, now gasping for air. "If I'm hospitalized, how can I work for Mr. Krabs?!" Spongebob's eyes were bloodshot. "MUST GO ON FOR THE KRUSTY KRAB...BECAUSE THE KRUSTY KRAB MUST GO ON!"

"With that kind of attitude, you just might be the employee of the month again," said Mr. Krabs. "_Might_."

To Be Continued.


	10. The Big Court Case: Part 3

"I know this looks bad…" said Mr. Krabs, "but my next witnesses will definitely change your minds. I call to the stand…"

"Could you just lose?!" screamed Squidward, obviously annoyed just sitting through all this mess.

"But Squidward, if I lose, my associate, Ted, will be my replacement."

Squidward froze with big eyes and a worried face.

Ted the Snake is Mr. Krabs's new replacement manager when Mr. Krabs goes on leave. Ted is a small garden snake dressed with an oversized top hat. When Mr. Krabs last went on a trip to find the wild money plantation of the lost plains (legend has it, only the most crazed and greedy men can find it), his associate, 'Ted,' ran the Krusty Krab. Ted was always nice to Spongebob but threatening to Squidward.

-- Flashback

"That'll be six dollars and forty cents," said Squidward with his usual dull look. Squidward was handed the money and opened the cash register. A sign came out with 'smile at the loving customers' written on it. Squidward responded "No."

The customer was given change but no smile.

Ted came out. "Squidward, you're supposed to smile at the customers."

"Listen," Squidward said in an angry tone, "I get paid minimum wage and get no health benefits for feeding the lowly citizens of Bikini Bottom. _I_ deserve to be smiled at."

"Squidward, I think you dropped something."

Squidward looked down and saw a grenade. "WHAT WAH!? He picked it up and threw it out of his area. A loud explosion was heard afterward.

"I guess I didn't need that arm anyway," said a customer who resumed eating.

Ted had a small smile on his face while looking at Squidward. "Grenades don't appear when employees smile at customers. Remember that next time." Ted slithered away.

Squidward was filled with disbelief and shock at what just happened. The next customer was greeted with a smile.

Solving the common problems Squidward once had with working efficiently, Ted reformed Squidward into an All-Star employee. Squidward gained motivation to become a better employee, caused from many attempts on his life. Not taking out the trash resulted in a near puncture by a knife. Lacking proper posture resulted in financial problems. Sarcastic comments resulted in Squidward's fingerprints being found at the scene of a robbery. Ted's special ways of motivation made Squidward drastically improve work output. Squidward was very happy when Mr. Krabs came back from his trip.

-- End Flashback

"Wait wait!" Squidward exclaimed. "I'm testifying for Mr. Krabs!"

"I call to the stand Squidward Tentacles!" -"And you better make it look good,"- Mr. Krabs whispered to Squidward when Squidward approached the stand.

"Mr. Krabs is a very decent employer," said Squidward. "He allllways thinks of others before himself. Like the time I asked for the day off but instead of just rejecting it, he gave me a paycut!" Squidward's temper rose.

"Okay, Squidward," Mr. Krabs motioned for him to get off the stand.

However, Squidward still continued, "I mean, who couldn't respect such a _generous _boss who teases you with talks of promotions just so you'll work harder that day!"

Mr. Krabs looked worried. "And Squidward will now leave the stand."

"Such a KIND manager obviously has others' best interest in mind when he refuses to pay for sick days…EVEN WHEN YOU'RE BED-RIDDEN IN THE HOSPITAL!"

"-sigh- That'll be all, Squidward," said Mr. Krabs, defeated.

But Karen spoke up, "Squidward, if you could describe Mr. Krabs in one word, what would it be?"

Squidward brimmed with emotions. "Demon! Scrooge! Thief!"

"Thief?!" said Mr. Krabs. "That car was just sitting in the parking lot! It didn't have anyone's name on it! Sold for a nice price, too."

"Thanks, Squidward," said Karen. "Well, I'm sure we can wrap this up, right, Judge?"

"WAIT!" said Mr. Krabs. "You have to give me more witnesses! I call to the stand Ted the Snake!"

"NO!!" screamed Squidward, running back to his audience seat and cowering.

Ted slithered in, lightly glaring at Squidward with a smile. Squidward returned the smile with a stare of passionate rage.

Ted sat in the witness seat. "Mr. Krabs is a great person. When I was a lowly snake involved in crime…"

"Is this gonna take a flashback?" asked the annoyed Karen.

"Yes."

"I never did get flashbacks," said the Judge. "Can the people you're talking to see them, are you telling them to the people you're talking to, or is it just a period where you sit in silence and reminisce while we wait for you to stop?"

"I'm flashbacking now…"

-- Flashback

It was breakfast time at Mr. Krabs's house.

"Augh Augh Augh," laughed Mr. Krabs in merriment, "there's nothing more delicious than watching diamonds for breakfast." Mr. Krabs attentively stared at a bowl full of diamonds.

"Daddy," said Pearl, "I'm going to run for class president."

"That's great, Pearl!"

"Yeah…but I'll need funding for my campaign."

"No you won't. Goodbye, dear."

Pearl rolled her eyes. "It was worth a try." She stormed off.

-Knock Knock-

Mr. Krabs went to the door and opened it up. "Yeees?"

A small snake with a suitcase looked up at Mr. Krabs. "Hello, sir. I'm here selling…"

"LIAR! I can sense when someone is lying about precious money!"

"I'm sorry."

"How about you work for me, lad. Then you can con people out of money and I'll profit off it as well."

-- End Flashback

"And that's how I got into business with Mr. Krabs," finished Ted.

"The crab is so guilty," said the Judge. "You're lucky the jury decides your fate, Krabs."

"Very lucky," murmured Mr. Krabs, looking at Spongebob's chipper face in the jury section.

Ted left the stand.

"I still have one more witness," said Mr. Krabs.

"So do I," said Karen.

"I'm first."

"No, I should be first. The last witness was yours!"

"I'll thumb-wrestle you for the spot."

"I don't have any thumbs."

"I win!" shouted Mr. Krabs. "I call to the stand the Mayor!"

The mayor went to the stand. "Mr. Krabs has helped Bikini Bottom due to his booming business. Regardless of Mr. Krabs's personality and motives, the collected revenue from the Krusty Krab has been put to good use for Bikini Bottom citizens."

"See," said Mr. Krabs triumphantly. "I've done lots of good for our fair city."

"Except for the fact that you've skipped paying taxes for over three years now."

"What?! I sent you an 'I owe you' slip and complimentary Krabby Patty before this trial! You should be satisfied."

"The Krabby Patty was delicious, but an IOU does not excuse your injustice. You've evaded taxes for too long. Lock this crab up for the good of Bikini Bottom!"

The audience cheered.

"That'll be all," said the hopeless Mr. Krabs. "I'm billing you for that Krabby Patty, too."

The mayor left the stand.

The Judge turned to Karen. "Will there be anything else you'd like to add before the verdict is decided?"

"I guess I'll still bring out my last witness as well, Sandy Cheeks."

A giant, chubby, furry creature came through the court doors. "KRAAAAABS!" The creature grabbed Krabs by one hand and squeezed him tight. Then the creature threw him down and sat in the witness seat. "Hello, y'all."

"Hello, Ms. Sandy," said Karen.

Spongebob squinted at Sandy's now massive, blubbery frame. "Sandy, did you eat someone?"

"Or five people," said Squidward.

"No!" Sandy said in a frustrated tone, "this is the result of consistently eating at the Krusty Krab!"

"Well, duh," said Mr. Krabs, pulling himself off the ground. "I mean, no, the Krusty Krab cuisine is made with quality ingredients like I said before!"

"I've been processing the validity of that statement in my mainframe since you said that statement," said Karen. "I've concluded that since 'quality' ingredients cost more money to buy, you must use the most cheapest, unhealthy ingredients to keep your wallet full."

Mr. Krabs smiled nervously.

"For exercise, I used to wrestle bulls with my sheer power," Sandy cried. "Now, I call exercise 'going to retrieve the remote.'"

"So the bloated citizens DO have you to blame!" said the Judge.

The audience members booed Mr. Krabs.

"FINE!" screamed Mr. Krabs. "I am greedy! I do love the feel, the taste, and the look of _sweet_ money. Who cares about you people?! I'm just in it for the money. But when it comes down to it, aren't we all?"

Everyone looked around curiously as Mr. Krabs started to glow radiantly.

Mr. Krabs continued, "None of you deserve money. None of you! Only I deserve it! HAHAHAHA!!"

"Hmm…I thought he was going to make a heart-opening closing speech," said the Judge. "Jury, you may go to discuss your final decision."

The jury members got up and proceeded to the jury room for discussion. Spongebob smiled and waved at Mr. Krabs while he went in.

"Not very impartial," commented Karen.


	11. Deciding the Verdict

A heated debate takes place in a room full of 12 jury members.

One jury member was counting out the votes. "That's the ninth for guilty, another for guilty, one for not guilty, and one for 'Krabs'?"

"It's obvious that Krabs is guilty!" shouted a random jury member.

"He's not!" Spongebob shouted back.

"I'll settle this," said another jury member, who was a pink starfish in sunglasses.

"You look familiar…Patrick?"

"Spongebob?!" Patrick threw off his sunglasses. "I didn't know you were in this jury."

"How couldn't you when he was talked to in the middle of the trial?" asked another jury member.

"I slept through most of the trial. The sunglasses plan was a success!"

A jury member slapped her forehead. "This guy is not qualified to make a rational decision."

"On the contrary, I have deduced that Krabs stole the mantelpiece with cooperation from the butler!"

"Patrick, there was no talk of a mantelpiece," said Spongebob.

Patrick fell asleep.

"Now we can get back on track," said a random jury member. "Why would you claim Mr. Krabs is not guilty with all the evidence of his greed presented today?"

"But Mr. Krabs is a good person!" responded Spongebob. "He gives to the poor."

"Actually," said another random jury member, "I'm with a charity foundation, and somehow, that crab gets money from us whenever we ask him for money to help the poor."

"And," said another jury member, "my daughter is in girl scouts. She says Mr. Krabs ordered some cookies, yet when it was time to pay, he just snatched the cookies from her. All he said was 'survival of the fittest, girlie.'"

"Mr. Krabs wouldn't do that," claimed Spongebob.

"But he would," said Patrick. "Because it turns out, **he's the butler**!"

"Go back to sleep, Patrick."

A jury member got frustrated at Spongebob. "Kid, you have no valid reasoning for sticking up for that heinous crab!"

"But Mr. Krabs is very kind," said Spongebob.

"How so? Because we've heard plenty of his ways in the trial…"

"Well…this one time, I had to use the bathroom at work again, and he didn't deduct the time I spent using the bathroom from my pay. He was very kind that day."

Everyone blankly stared at Spongebob.

"I vote Krabs!" shouted Patrick. Patrick suddenly tripped and fell on his head. "Deciding this verdict is really quite simple, Spongebob. The crab is guilty, as evidenced by the information presented in the trial. Despite your personal, past emotions towards him, Mr. Krabs should feel the wrath of justice. You must toughen up, Spongebob, and let justice prevail! It is the job of a jury member."

The jury members clapped and Spongebob teared up.

"-sniffle- I'm –sniff- ready!" said Spongebob, gathering confidence. "Let's vote again."

Patrick tripped once again and fell on his head, which apparently brought him back to his usual self. "I'm still voting for Krabs."

"Patrick, you have to vote either 'guilty' or 'not guilty.'"

"Don't tell me what to do!" Patrick fell asleep.

"Quick!" said a jury member, "let's vote again and somebody vote twice!!"


	12. Is Mr Krabs Going to Prison?

"I may have done badly on my trial,") thought Mr. Krabs, ("but at least I have Spongebob back there helping to decide the verdict. That kid makes a me shoe-in for getting out of this.")

The jury door opened and all the jury came pouring back into their seats. Spongebob looked a bit distressed as Mr. Krabs gave him a secret thumbs-up.

Spongebob stood up and said, "We, the jury, find Eugene Harold Krabs…guilty."

Mr. Krabs's jaw dropped.

The Judge banged his hammer. "I hereby sentence Eugene H. Krabs to 500 years in prison with no parole."

"Do I get to bring my money with me?" asked Mr. Krabs.

"No."

"THEN NO ONE IS LEAVING THIS COURT ALIVE!" Mr. Krabs pulled open his suit coat to reveal his lucky dime, set to explode in ten seconds!

"Ah!!" screamed someone in the audience.

Mr. Krabs bolted for the door and everyone leaped out of the way so not to be next to a soon exploding crab.

"He's bluffing," said Squidward. "There's no way he'd blow up money, especially not his lucky dime."

Mr. Krabs stopped and boiled with intensity. "For the last time, **SHUT UP, SQUIDWARD**!"

Squidward crossed his arms. "Like I said, I'm right. Ten seconds are over."

Mr. Krabs checked his watch. "Oh, you're right."

The guards quickly restrained Mr. Krabs.

"You will be put in jail immediately!" said the Judge.

"No! WAIT!" screamed Spongebob.

"What is it now?!" said Karen, rolling her computer eyes.

"That's too harsh for Mr. Krabs! He'll die in prison!"

"Is that so bad?" said Squidward.

"Yes!"

"Why should he get any pity?!"

"It's because…Mr. Krabs has helped us all."

"Elaborate," commanded Karen.

"Gladly," said Patrick, who jumped in the conversation. "Hi, I'm Patrick."

There was a long silence.

Gary came into the picture. "Meow." (Translated: "I think what Spongebob is trying to say is that without greedy people like Mr. Krabs, other people wouldn't know how good they have it.")

"What!?" said Plankton. "It's Krabs's fault that I don't have any customers."

"Meow meowrr purr." (Translated: "But without Mr. Krabs, we'd all be somewhat richer.")

"What's so bad about that?!"

Gary rolled his eyes. "Mrrreow" (Translated: "Haven't you ever heard that money is the root of all evil? With people like Mr. Krabs taking, stealing, and cheating money from anyone and anywhere possible, everyone else gets a better chance to escape that same evil that consumes them."

The people in the audience haphazardly agreed.

Plankton was still mad. "That crab has been nothing but a burden on my life!"

"Well," said Spongebob, "without Mr. Krabs, you wouldn't have ever built Karen, the love of your life."

Karen blushed. "He's right."

Plankton sighed and agreed.

Spongebob continued. "And without Mr. Krabs..."

The Judged banged his hammer. "Okay okay, that's enough. I hereby order Eugene Krabs to be reeducated in the ways of generosity. Also, I order a Bikini Bottom mandatory exercise program. Effective immediately."

-- Sometime later, at the Krusty Krab

"Can I order extra pickles on that?" asked the customer.

"That'll be 5 dollars more," said Squidward.

"What?! The burger deluxe meal was only 3 dollars! Let me talk to your manager about this."

Mr. Krabs came out. "Yes?" Mr. Krabs said with a smile.

"Your employee says it's 5 extra dollars for some extra pickles! What is the meaning of this!?"

"Sorry, valued customer. That was an old policy. We'll give you those extra pickles on the..H-Ha-HAAAH…"

"C'mon, Mr. Krabs!" said Sandy. "Say it!"

"HA-How-who!!" Mr. Krabs held his throat.

"You can do it, Mr. Krabs!" said Spongebob.

"Hmm...HO...HEEEEEE!!"

"Go for it, Eugene!" said Mrs. Krabs.

Everyone in Bikini Bottom came from far and wide to hear these words.

"ON THE..HOOOOOUSSSSSE!" Mr. Krabs fainted.

"He did it!" screamed Spongebob in joy.

"Hooray!" said all of the customers and Bikini Bottom citizens. A party was immediately thrown.

And so, that day, the customer got extra pickles _on the house_ and Bikini Bottom learned to enjoy the Krusty Krab even more.

And everyone lived happily ever after.

("Now I'm gonna have to steal the money I lost from giving away those pickles,") thought Mr. Krabs.

The End.


End file.
